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Saturday, November 10th, 2007
10:39 pm
sugarspunsister: hello?
halls of livejournal: *echoing* hellooooo, hellooooo, hellooooo...
sugarspunsister: is there really no one out there?
ghost of livejournals past: everyone has gone to MySpace/Facebook/Last.fm/Bebo/etc/etc/etc...
sugarspunsister: oh. but, my livejournal life needs a conclusion! My story needs an ending. Whatever shall I do?
ghost of livejournals past: write it girl. You were only ever writing this for yourself to chronicle your life anyway.
sugarspunsister: true! OK, I'll do it.

And so begins, dear friends, gentle readers, and all around invisible people, my signing off from these once hallowed halls which I now find rather sad to look at.

Today, I decided to delete one of my all too many social networking pages. There are so many I don't use on sites I am frankly embarrassed to be a member of I decided it's time to get rid of a few. No, I will not be deleting this page, I intend to keep it up as a record of my youth, but I was reminded of my LiveJournal and not only how long it had been since I'd posted, but how long it had been since I'd read my own words. So, I popped back over to see what I was up to a year and a half ago. My goodness, I was one sad cookie, wasn't I? Well, I have come by to finish my story for all you readers and those who stumble across this.

Against all odds, my story has had a happy ending. Is it all bliss and sugar cookies? haha not exactly. Is it ever? No. But, I have found the one thing I needed more than anything - a boyfriend I hear you say? NO! I'm a feminist artist asshole, I don't need no fucking boyfriend. Ok, that's a lie but whatever. No, I have found...self confidence, and much smaller clothing.

Yes, I finally did it boys and girls. I have lost at least 90 pounds, I'm not sure exactly how much as I don't have a scale but definitely in that range. Highest pant size was a 22 and I am now an 8. Yes, I dropped a whole person. My hair is black for good and I dress like a modest post punk dandy. It has, as you would imagine, changed my life in innumerable ways, not the least of which is my self belief and placement of importance on the male species.

It blows my mind reading this old journal to see how sad, desperate and desolate I was. The worst element I find is how little value I placed on myself and my own self worth. I actually said things like I had lost all hope to ever find a boy who would want me again? Goodness, things are more than a little different now!

These days I have to be careful which boys' eyes I meet in a club, cause if I linger too long he's all over me. I'm usually one of the 10 most attractive and well-dressed people at any given event. I've gotten the 'cool kids discount', free vintage clothes, after parties and after after after parties and all that jazz. People are telling me from the stage how much they adore me. It's been pretty wild. And I've changed so much I can't even tell you.

Post Punk is my life's blood, with a resurgence in love for 60s bands lately as well. Art, books, writing, I'm taking it all in and learning ever more and more. My blood stream is 90% coffee and 10% eyeliner. I'm all about minimalism and monochromatics at the moment.

Trip to England was a total bust, quite miserable actually. But, I dream of going back again, and living in London. I will some day. I know all of these things to be true now, I believe in myself, I know if I want it I can do it. I just realise it will take a while. And I've learned a lot about laziness.

Have I fixed it all? Goodness no. I still haven't kissed a boy in 2 years (always going to gigs with your mum slows things down!), I still can't drive, and I still struggle constantly with my own laziness and money problems. But I'm on my way, in a big way. I still get hung up on boys (I'm desperately hoping a specific one who I know isn't good enough for me will message me as we speak), but I have a detachment and acceptance that if it doesn't work out, well, oh well, there are plenty more boys I desire and who are interested in me.

I believe a large part of the root of my weight issues was due to a desire for control. When I was little everything was going wrong in my life and I couldn't control it, so this was something I could control. I could tell myself that if only I was thinner everything that was wrong with my life could get better - so therefore it was on me that things were going wrong, which is better than things just being out of your control. A crazy way to relate to the world but what do you expect from a nearly homeless 8 year old with a ridiculously high IQ, divorcing parents, fighting family members, very little money and weird clothes? Turns out I rather liked the weird clothes.

I finally realised that my weight was not the source of all my problems and that wasn't the reason to fix it, I should fix it - well, for so many reasons. (and I did it totally healthy through self control and normal levels of exercising by the way!) But the interesting thing I saw today, re-reading my old journal entries was that, yes, in fact, my weight WAS my entire problem. Although a lot of the problems in my life are still there, they no longer feel inescapable. And I am so much happier. I didn't have a clue just how happy I am until I just now saw how unhappy I used to be. I want to go up to my former self and give her a hug and say it'll all be ok! Don't kill yourself over that boy, in a year you'll meet better ones, and in a year and a half that very same boy will be wishing he could have you!

I don't know if there is some moral to my story or all of that, or if perhaps everyone will just see this as some arrogant bragging. Perhaps it is, but I think after the years of tears and misery and self-loathing expressed below this post, a little joyous bragging is in order, wouldn't you agree?

And so I conclude to say, watch for me. I'll be coming to a bookstand, record store or television screen near you very very soon.

Much love, and thanks for everything!

xxx

current mood: optimistic

(write a chorus)

Friday, August 11th, 2006
1:27 am - a question for the ladies...
Actually, this is probably a question for the gents as well which is probably a good thing cause I don't think I have many girls on my friends list. So, the question is...are all guys cunts or is it just me?

You see, I have just discovered that a guy I have been off and on flirting with for ages has had a girlfriend he lived with for the past 8 months - when only 5 months ago he was making plans to come and see me! Not a guy I particularly fancy, truth be told the attraction is purely physical, but I had thought since I didn't want a relationship right now and he (supposedly) didn't either and we both found each other physically attractive we could do something, you know. The timing hadn't exactly worked out cause he lives in the city and usually the only time I'm in the city I'm with my mum, but as far as I knew that was the only reason we hadn't hooked up thus far.

I won't go into all the details but basically yesterday his girlfriend tracked me down. Now it's not like I ever did anything with this guy, we just lightly flirted online and he made it very clear that he was
a) single
b) wanted me
c) ready whenever

I'm not really bothered about the whole thing since as I mentioned I don't really have any real feelings for him, but I am a big confused/surprised, and more importantly it's got me looking at my past. This is now the 6th time in my life this has happened to me (and 4th time this year!). This seems like a really high number, which lead me to my above question - are all guys cunts or is it just me? I'm just wondering if most girls have shit like this happen to them, perhaps I have extraordinarily bad luck, or perhaps there is something about me that attracts people like this, or perhaps I am attracted to people like this? Maybe I'm just making too much of it and there's nothing to it whatsoever, but it does seem odd.

In other news, I have been designing some logos for (unknown) bands I like/am friends with, which is making me feel very cool and important. Plus it's immensely fun! I'm also making lots of plans for places to go, bands to see and people to hang with when I'm in England next year! We've finalized our plans - we'll be going in the last two weeks of June, ending the trip with T in the Park on July 7th and 8th, because we need to fly home for my cousin's wedding on July 14th. We'll be going to London, Manchester, Liverpool, Sheffield, Leeds and of course Scotland. Naturally if any of you want to hang out/show me around/offer me and my mum a place to stay/sell me weed, you have nearly a year to get in touch and make yourself known!

I've been maniacally dieting, which oddly rather than making me feel like shit and hate myself like it used to do, is making me feel wonderful. I've started to not even want bad foods any longer, I think I'm becoming a food masochist. Anyway, I think this trip to the UK has really lit a fire under my (fat) ass about this issue, which I couldn't be happier about.

Oh, also, I dislocated my elbow and couldn't type for two weeks! I can't believe I didn't mention that til now. I became able to type again about a week ago. It was absolutely hell, I couldn't do pretty much anything except watch TV all day - meanwhile my mum was completely swamped with orders for both of our businesses and I could do nothing to help! On the plus side, we finally have some money! Woo!

Probably the most upsetting thing about my injury was that I couldn't write, and of course I came up with a great idea for a short story whilst I was injured. Hopefully I'll get it written up soon though. Although I am still in some pain and can't do certaint things I'm feeling a lot better.

Well, I think that's about it for now. I'm actually feeling really hopeful about life in general. I've been being very prolific, money is alright, I'm not wanting a boyfriend and really happy about it (I'm very determined to remain single for a while) and basically life is pretty alright for me at the moment! Weird!

current mood: pleased

(3 verses | write a chorus)

Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
9:37 pm - this had me in stitches...
http://playlouder.com/news/+if-you-tolerate-/

current mood: amused

(write a chorus)

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
2:07 am - holy shit.
After an incredibly inspiring 4 hours of Lamacq Live from T In The Park, me and my mum pooled every cent we had (and we might still bounce checks but I don't care!!!), got on Ticketmaster at 1:05am and...

I'M GOING TO T IN THE MOTHER FUCKING PARK 2007!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M GOING TO ENGLAND!!!!!!

I don't think I've ever been so happy.

I wish I know how to make my font giant to express my monumental level of excitement, but at this point nothing can bring me down. I don't need to tell you, anyone who's read this journal for more than 5 minutes knows what a huge deal this is to me.

current mood: ecstatic

(write a chorus)

Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
2:04 am
oh yes, I remembered what I was going to say. Yay. I had been going to talk about my cell phone. I'm sure I mentioned that I got a cell phone of my own finally a few months ago, yes? No? Maybe? I don't know, who cares. Point is, I did. The only people who ever call me on it are my mum and my sister. And, about twice a day I get calls for some girl named Jo who either had this cell # before me, or are giving this number out at clubs. Either way, it's fucking depressing that I never get any calls on my phone except for calls for some other girl. Some shockingly popular other girl.

Hey, does anyone else ever have it happen that you suddenly can't figure out who someone on your MySpace is because they changed their userpicture? Is it me or is that just bizarre?

current mood: sleepy

(2 verses | write a chorus)

1:31 am
according to the front page of MySpace, Muse are defined as 'Rock / Funk / Drum n Bass'. Really? I'm not entirely sure which of the weird MySpace categories I would put Muse into, but not those last two for sure. I just found that amusing.

You might wonder why I have not updated. I'll tell you why...the most exciting thing that has happened to me all week is that I splurged and bought myself $9 worth of beautiful new writing pads. Really, I'm actually excited about it. They're really awesome pads. And I've been looking for pads as nice as these for years. Yay for Staples. Also, with there little bring-in-your-empty-ink-cartridge-and-get-$3-off-and-put-it-in-your-lj-with-a-bunch-of-pointless-dashes-deal, I got it for only $6. I cannot believe I am bothering to waste space on the internet with the fact that I got writing pads. You're lucky I'm not going to describe them for you in detail. They really are wonderful though.

I've been using my new pads to work on my new longish short story, called Heaven & Hell Inc. It's considerably different than anything else I've written in terms of subject matter, but I've really enjoyed writing it (it's almost finished), and I think it's going to come out really well. Plus, it's just incredibly full-filling to write this much, I stayed up til 5am last night working on it, then when I woke up I wrote more in bed!

Other than that, I've mostly just been working working working. I'm almost done with adding 92 new badge designs to Mock The Rock so that's kept me pretty busy, as well as my usual work load. I really have no life. It's terribly sad.

I've become completely addicted to Starbucks. There is not one less than 45 minutes away from me, and it's an absolute nightmare. I hate living in the country. I didn't go over-the-hill (as we call it, going anywhere where there is civilization) for 5 days last week and it nearly killed me. I missed my coffee fix terribly. The little home-made cappucino machines that the little stands in the country have are absolutely useless, it does nothing, it doesn't even taste like coffee! I paid $4 for something that might as well have been hot chocolate. And bad hot chocolate at that.

Damn, I really have nothing to say.

Well, let's see, I do have a few more things actually.

Rather depressingly, Robert, my ace-in-the-hole guy in San Francisco who I knew without a shadow of doubt I could shag if I was willing to shag someone who had never heard of --- and couldn't spell, seems to now be blocking me on MSN. Shortly after he showed me some poetry that was actually incredibly good and I started thinking maybe I judged him too harshly and that maybe it wouldn't make me such a terrible person if I had some fun with him. Now I have a sneaking suspicion I am being blocked cause he's gotten together with the lead singer of some shoegaze band. Whilst I'm not incredibly bothered to not get together with him, it's still depressing to think that of all people he is blocking me.

I am quite sure I had other things I had planned to type but they seem to have ran away from my brain, as they often do when faced with the blank box of LiveJournal.

I wish there were some gigs coming. :( I counted it up, there are 43 bands in this world (that are still together and touring) that I would like to see. Why are none of them here?

current mood: sleepy

(2 verses | write a chorus)

Thursday, June 15th, 2006
5:52 pm
I'VE GOT A TARDIS!! *dies from happiness*

Oh yea, and I went to LA. It was good to take a road trip and the Bunnymen were good but not as great as last time I saw them and I was reminded that I hate LA. Still though, it was nice to take a road trip.

current mood: happy

(1 verse | write a chorus)

Sunday, June 11th, 2006
4:10 pm - cross-posted on MySpace cause I'm lazy!
I'm off to see Echo & The Bunnymen in LA on Monday and then waste some time shopping and what not on Tuesday before I come back home to Northern California. I so rarely travel (sob) that I thought I'd send a MySpace bulletin (er, amend that to a LiveJournal post) in case anyone was in the area and was like 'ooo, I want to say hello to you and your mum whilst you're in LA for a few hours!' Or say 'oh my god, if you're going to LA you absolutely must check out/go to -----'. Or whatever.

Or maybe, I'm just excited cause I'm taking a trip for the first time in ages and decided to inflict it on you all? Perhaps.

Free badge to the first person to comment with the first line of the first song of the first album by Echo and the Bunnymen.

current mood: happy

(3 verses | write a chorus)

Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
4:45 pm
I haven't gone to a gig since Secret Machines at the beginning of the month, and I have absolutely no gigs whatsoever in the forseeable future. It's kind of shocking - especially considering that I went to a gig a week for the months of May and June last year, and one week I even went to 3. Considering that going to gigs is one of my favourite things in the world, and often my only time for social interaction with people even vaguely similar to myself, I suppose the lack of gigs could be a contributing factor towards my recent bouts of depression.

In an effort to determine if my lack of gigs was due to the fact that no one was coming here or due to my general hatred for most music I decided to count up the bands that I would be interested in seeing if they came to play in San Francisco. The total came to 36. Although a good 10-15 of them could be dropped if the price was too high or it was sold out or I hated the other bands they were playing with. When I think about it, that's really quite a low number and could explain why I have so few gigs on my horizon. I mean, it's a larger number than many people, however that would presumably be people to whom music is not their life. I'm sure to your average joe who goes to see the Rolling Stones every couple of years 36 would sound like a lot. But considering my lifestyle, how much music I hear, how much I am familiar with, or for example that there are somewhere in the range of 900 bands I have badges for on my website and that does not even come close to representing the whole spectrum of indie bands out there....you can see why 36 is a fairly small number. It's just, there are so very many bands that I hate. I keep having the terribly disappointing experience of going to see bands and liking them far less after I've seen them. I'm sad to say I don't remember the last time I went to a really excellent show.

Am I becoming one of those old music critics who bitches about the kids today not having any soul and how everything sucks and just rips off the past? I think so. Sadly, although part of me is kinda upset about this, I think more than anything I'm actually proud. I also think I'm going to steal this entry and use it in next month's column.

current mood: contemplative

(1 verse | write a chorus)

1:30 am - oh Cairo, where did you go
I have not forgotten nor abandoned my LiveJournal. I just haven't felt like talking much. To anyone really, I've just been feeling despondent. Well, I've been wavering back and forth really. Depressed one day, happy the next, then depressed again. I had a good cry today and faced up to some truths about myself, so that might help. I don't know, I'm really tired right now. I had a long day and moved a lot of furniture and so on. I'm just too tired to talk about it.

current mood: tired

(write a chorus)

Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
1:18 am
I haven't posted cause I haven't really had much going on. I've been working too much, I'm bored, depressed, tired, skint and very lonely. What's the point? You all know all of this already. This is pretty much my general state of being isn't it? Every day I promise myself it'll be different, today I'll get motivated and do all my work, then finish my novels, and get closer to losing weight so then my life will be perfect. Of course every day it isn't and I'm still myself and go to sleep in my big, cold bed alone and fantasize about boys I expect I'll never have. I guess you could say I'm kind of depressed.

Sometimes, in the middle of the day when the sun is out and I'm listening to Bromheads Jacket and I've just had a Starbucks and I'm thinking about smoking some pot, and I'm out and about and I may see the hot teenage boy I like to drool over at Whole Foods and I haven't checked my email in a couple of hours so I can pretend that when I get home it will be filled with loads of emails from hot guys who adore me, people who want to buy badges off me so I'll have money and loads of music websites and/or publishers who want to employ me, sometimes, at those times, for a little while, I feel alright.

current mood: depressed

(2 verses | write a chorus)

Thursday, May 11th, 2006
12:52 am
diy fashions can be dangerous. I put a big gash in my finger with the safety pin that held my skirt together at the Secret Machines show on Saturday. I had a whole post I wanted to write but instead I wasted the last 4 hours having a total of 6 different IMs. Jesus.

current mood: sleepy

(2 verses | write a chorus)

Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
12:36 am - to answer your burning questions...
Have I forgotten about LJ? NO! Will I ever post on here again? YES! Has all that much happened to me since I last posted? NO! Do I still intend to blather on about the boring details of my life? YES! Have I not posted because I don't love you? NO! Have I not posted because I am lazy, and for the past 3 days I have been ill and I am now feeling incredibly sorry for myself? YES!

current mood: sick

(write a chorus)

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
1:16 am - we wanna be free, we wanna be free to do what we wanna do
I just realised I haven't updated this in a while. I really really should, although it would mostly be boring, minute details of my life. I got a new coat, I got a new CD, that sort of thing. Hopefully I will post such details either tomorrow or the next day. Not the day after that though cause I'll be going to The Rakes. I'll be seeing Christian there and I must admit I'm really really looking forward to seeing him.

I recently came to the conclusion that, including guys I have no hope with, I have never actually met a guy who I believe was right for me, although many have had qualities I loved. I don't know why this was some kind of revelation for me or something, but I tend to put boys I fancy up on a pedestal of perfection perhaps and ignore their shortcomings, of which all have. I expect I will never meet this perfect person. I've been thinking about relationships and stuff and I'm not entirely sure I want one right now. I even went so far as to change my MySpace settings of 'here for' to Friends, Networking and Dating - eliminating 'Serious Relationships' from that list. Reason being I'm just not sure a serious relationship is what I want right now. I'm young and I want to try out different things and what not! Also, I really don't want to be in a relationship with someone when I visit England. Not that I have any immediate plans to do that, although I am always dreaming of it. Leeds Fest perhaps. A girl can dream, right?

I am really sleepy now though, so that is all for now.

current mood: sleepy

(write a chorus)

Sunday, April 16th, 2006
2:02 pm
someone I was talking to last night said...

scousers are odd people. if you meet them outside of liverpool theyre cool as fuck. you try going to liverpool, and every scouser hates outsiders. my mate went to uni up there, described it as the worst three years of his life.

rebuttals anyone?

current mood: okay

(8 verses | write a chorus)

Saturday, April 15th, 2006
2:31 am
could someone please tell me a little bit about The Mighty Boosh? Everyone keeps talking about it on their MySpace pages, and I know nothing about it except that it's a TV show that I cannot fucking get from Netflix. Grrr.

current mood: sleepy

(8 verses | write a chorus)

2:24 am
I heart Wikipedia. Seriously. I just spent like an hour reading more than I ever wanted to know about Donnie Darko. And then all about things that happened on my birthday. And then my mum's birthday. And then the history of 420. And on and on. Wikipedia is my new favourite time-waster.

current mood: sleepy

(write a chorus)

Thursday, April 13th, 2006
4:28 am
I just disposed of a creature found writhing around on my bathroom floor. This thing was either:
a) a worm covered in dust from my absurdly dirty floor
b) a super tiny baby lizard
c) a centipede
d) a creature from the new film 'Slither'

I sincerely hope it was not d.

current mood: bored

(write a chorus)

3:10 am - oh, my heavy heart
I'm more than a little depressed and lonely tonight.

current mood: depressed

(write a chorus)

Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
2:41 am - rain is confession weather
well, I suppose I'm going to have to make this short as I'm in a fair amount of pain. I burned my thumb today on a pot lid whilst making lunch. It's not a really severe burn (ie, no trips to the hospital) but it's pretty bad (ie, I had to spend 6 hours today icing it). I'm only typing now thanks to the magical powers of 4 Tylenol.

I don't have a lot to post, well, I couldn't post a lot if I wanted to. Actually I did want to post some musings on my father (!) but I can't be bothered. I should really be writing, my article for No-OrdinaryMusic.com is like a week overdue (but I've forgiven myself since the other columnists have not written an article in over 5 weeks) and I really want to write some more short stories so I'll have something to submit to magazines. But, I'm in pain, and I'm kind of lazy. It's been raining loads here, all day and all month really. Rain, rain, rain. I do like rain, it's weird though I have to remind myself how much I like it because I constantly find myself complaining about it. I think it's programmed into me, "rain is bad" so my natural desire is to complain when it's raining and say sarcastically 'lovely day, isn't it?', except the weird thing is that when I really think about it I think that it is really a lovely day. I love rain. I think the programming comes from society but also my mum who really hates rainy weather and fog and cold and can't understand why I like it.

Of course, since it hurts me to type at the moment, I am suddenly filled to bursting with random things I want to write about. How typical. I have no actual news to impart or anything to say really. It rained. I burned myself. I scratched my leg rather badly on a bush outside whilst I was putting our propane tank in. We are so white trash. Our roof is leaking. Again. Typical.

Umm, boys. A seemingly unavoidable subject for me. I met a lovely guy from Bristol a few nights ago via Faceparty and we ended up speaking on AIM for about 4 hours. He has excellent spelling/punctuation, hates The Libertines and Football, and is British. Impossible! Oh, and even more impossible, he's also totally gorgeous (he kinda reminds me of Bobby Gillespie) and furthermore thinks I'm totally gorgeous too. Amazing. I'm very hestitant to pursue anything with him though, I just find myself reflecting on my relationship with Matty and how many things were wrong with it and really not wanting to get into that again. Long distance relationships are an absolute nightmare and I'd rather not be in one again immediately. However, taking into account my obsession with Britain it seems unavoidable sometimes. Eh, I don't know. I haven't spoken to him in a few days so I'm trying to just not think about any of it too much and see how it all plays out. I find that's usually the best way to be, not force anything, just keep on being you, being normal, and let the chips fall where they may. I am really not fond of that saying. Hmm. Oh, also, I have finally finished the brilliant mix CD for Blaine and I'll be mailing it in the next few days. It's also got the most magnificent album cover, I really am quite proud of myself.

I think it may be time to sleep now. It seems like all I ever do lately is sleep and work and eat. It's amazing I found time to update this. I did this instead of writing back to Christian. How sad. :(

current mood: sleepy

(write a chorus)

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